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"Stuck" is the ninth song of Act One of Groundhog Day.

Phil Connors goes to see a number of doctors after repeatedly waking up on February 2nd, all of who suggest him alternative medicines.

LyricsEdit

[HEALER]
I have a degree

[PHIL CONNORS]
That's nice

[HEALER]
In alternative therapy

[PHIL]
Okay

[HEALER]
Took an online course for a week or two

[PHIL]
Maybe we should –

[HEALER]
I think we should begin with a nice bit of Reiki

[PHIL]
Reiki?

[HEALER]
Unblock your Chi

[PHIL]
What's Chi?

[HEALER]
It's doo be doo be tra la la
It's holistic therapy

[PHIL]
What does that mean?

[HEALER]
It's energy
Vibrations in something magnets
And doo-be-diddly-pom-pom-pom,
Now piss!

[PHIL]
What?

[HEALER]
Piss!

[PHIL]
I just –

[HEALER]
Piss into this

[PHIL]
I don't have –

[HEALER #1]
I'll analyze your isotopes
And something, something, quantum, quantum

[PHIL]
I'm stuck! I'm just –

[NATUROPATH]
I think you're allergic to gluten

[PHIL]
Stuck! I'm... It's like,
I feel like I'm trapped in a loop,
Like I'm unstuck in time

[NATUROPATH]
Well I think cutting out gluten

[PHIL]
I'm...

[NATUROPATH]
Is the smartest solution

[PHIL]
Fine

[NATUROPATH]
That or a diet of soup

[PHIL]
Soup?

[NATUROPATH]
Made of rhino foreskin

[PHIL]
I think I've lost my mind

[NATUROPATH]
How about

[PHIL]
I can't seem to find my way out of...

[NATUROPATH]
An enema?!

[PHIL]
What?

[NATUROPATH]
Would you like an enema?

[PHIL]
Existentially, I'm –

[NATUROPATH]
Some essential oils

[PHIL]
Essentially I'm –

[NATUROPATH]
Organic teas

[PHIL]
Who needs enemas with friends like – ?

[NATUROPATH & HEALER]
I don't even know if I believe what I'm saying,
This guy is clearly nuts, but he is desperate and he's paying,
Statistically, he might as well be sitting home and praying
For all the good that I can do,
I don't have a frickin clue what I'm doing
Though there are things that we just don't know,
It doesn't mean you shouldn't give giving an answer a go

[NATUROPATH]
Now open your buttocks a wee bit

[PHIL]
I'm not sure how this will help

[NATUROPATH & HEALER]
I just want to get to the bottom of it

[PHIL]
I'm stuck! I'm just stuck!

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
I have a PhD

[PHIL]
Finally

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
In psychiatric pharmacology, I specialize in mental illness –

[PHIL]
Good

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
In cows

[PHIL]
What?

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
Let's treat your depression with a course of Fluoxital

[PHIL]
I'm not depressed

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
You're not?

[PHIL]
No

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
You must be delusional
So take some Acepromazine and a couple of Clocapramine
And quietly I'd advise ya' to try this tranquilizer
Although maybe you should just take half

[PHIL]
Okay

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
It says whole ones for cows,

[PHIL]
I'm not a –

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
And half for calfs!

[PHIL]
Right

[HEALER, NATUROPATH & PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
I don't even know if I believe what I'm saying,
This guy is clearly nuts, but he is desperate and he's paying,
Statistically, he might as well be sitting home and praying
For all the good that I can do, I don't have a frickin clue

[SCIENTOLOGIST]
In my medicine cupboard
There's a bunch of L. Ron Hubbard

[AA GUY]
There are only twelve steps and they shouldn't take long

[NATUROPATH]
We just need a sample of your stool and your semen

[PRIEST]
You have Satan within you, we must exorcise your demons!

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
Take this pill!

[SCIENTOLOGIST]
Read this book!

[NATUROPATH]
Eat your vegetables uncooked!

[HEALER]
It's your karma!

[NATUROPATH]
It's just toxins!

[PSYCHIATRIC PHARMACOLOGIST]
It's for constipated oxens!

[EXPERTS]
Well that oughta loosen you up

[PHIL]
I am stuck!
[EXPERTS]
Fuck, okay –I don't even know if I
One: I'm still sleeping andBelieve what I'm saying
This I'm just dreaming itThis guy is clearly nuts
Two: it's a prank andBut he is desperate and
Everyone's in on itHe's paying, statistically
Three: it's a flashbackHe might as well be sitting
from when I was twentyHome and praying for all
And ate magic mushrooms andThe good that I can do,
Thought I was AquamanI don't have a frickin clue
What I'm doing
Four: it's some kindThough there are things
of reality showThat we just don't know,
Five: it's amnesiaIt doesn't mean you shouldn't
Six: it's a strokeGiving an answer a go
You just have to open your
I think I am losing my...Mind
That'll be five hundred bucks

[PHIL]
What the f...?!

[PRIEST]
A check is fine!

[PHIL]
Fine

[EXPERTS]
Karma! Toxins! Enema! Oxen! Jesus! Xenu!

[GUS & RALPH]
Alcohol!

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